changing of times

Well...this is my first post in a while. Gonna share a little about the past few months and 3 years of my life.

I have always been really angry. And I don't know why. I want to think it has to do with being picked on most of my life..but that's only partial to what the problem really is. It goes deeper than that. I think it goes back as far as me being a child and how I was raised. Don't get me wrong...my mother raised me well because on the other hand, despite flaws I may have, I'm pretty amazing. I have a big heart. But then there's insecurity...where did my insecuritys come from? Oh....probably me being picked on. But of course I'm bigger now..I'm pretty dangerous and I'm feared.....you cut me off or get on my rear on the freeway I call you out to pull over and fight....you...I have the mentality to fight any one for any reason I'm disrespected...bottom line like I said...I'm bigger now...and I should use that because I was picked on all my life......that's all reason for me to get back at every one...right? No...and that's where I've been wrong my whole life or period of time I've developed the power to scare people and gain respect out of it..the result?

Me slowly losing my family and not even realizing it.

I'm not going to go into detail because its not really any of your business to know full detail. But the past three years I've been married to the most beautiful girl on the planet. Alysa marie. This girl has done nothing but sacrifice her happiness to be with me an deal with the crap that I have put on her that I've dealt with my whole life. I've taken it out on her. There's been literally over hundreds of promises made to change, to seek help...etc etc etc. I failed at that. I broke every single one of em. And I'm not proud of that now. She has dealt with my depression and anger and honestly I don't think any other girl would have stuck around for it. I'd say I'm one lucky SOB. Even realizing that during those 3 years it still didn't drive me to change. I've been lazy. Well currently I have put that fear in my own family. That fear I used to put in other people and gain respect....well I sure got that fear into my fam. But not the respect.

I've finally realized what I've really needed my whole life. Jesus. Its so cliche to hear a testimony about "finding jesus". But its true. I thought my whole life I knew jesus...but I really didn't. I called my self a christian my whole life..nope. Wasn't. I have not been a true christian until I learn how to love like jesus did. I am now in the word more than ever, talking to him more than ever and seeking him out more than ever. It sucks it finally took something devestating to me to happen to realize it but that's just the way it had to finally snap into my head. I'm thankful for that. So hopefully ill get my fam back in time...hopefully.

So in conclusion I felt sharing this to any one who knows but...but doesn't really know me. If you know what I mean. I'm not the big tough "btown" you think I am. I could careless about how tough I look any more or how bad ass I am because no one will step to me. That's rediculous. I'm done with that crap. I'm very insecure and down on myself. And all I need is a little love. So if you have read this just do me a favor. Love your family with all of your heart. And most important. Love jesus with all your heart...because I am living proof that without jesus the worst things can happen but the best of all is changing through him. And among millions he is real and can change you. (Although I'm slowly changing realisticly) Jesus is medicine.

I love you alysa marie with all of my heart. And may the lord fill your heart with trust and joy to know he has you through everything. Your going to be blessed always. Jesus loves you and beautiful bayley. I miss you girls. Thank you for always loving me through my worst. Your my life. And ill never do anything to jeopardize that ever again.

Amen

blogs...

Aren't for me...at least right now.

See ya

ya I ruined it...

Sorry tones...I suck

just get things off my mind...

Today was a busy day I guess.....woke up got ready for work.....bought a NOS energy drink(which by the way made me tweak like no other)..drove to coachella in a company vehicle for work. Came back and took tones to get his car fixed... Anywho. I'm tired and my mind is running buck wild.

So were about to have our first baby..I'm am estatic of course...but at the same time with the way the economy is...I'm shitting my self. My boss is a cool dude...but when he sits there talking about anything having to do with a lay off in any kind of way it works my nerves...not works my nerves like in a angry way...more like a stressful way. I def worry wayyyy too much...but I'm sorry... when you have bills, rent and car payments and a child on the way you can't stress enough. No matter what I would work the shittiest low down ghetto job to support my family...but what's even sad about that is, its hard to even find a job right now. And that scares me. It scares me beyond high heavens.

I guess all I can do is have faith right? That's hard in my opinion. Considering the fact that I'm not super smart so I can't just get a job wherever. I dunno...I'm pretty fucked in the head right now with all this. My wife is the only thing that keeps me stable with getting bummed out. Anyway...enough rambling. Excuse my curse words. I'm just being real. Peace

wednesday

Feel congested. And hard to breathe.thinkin about it too much maybe.workin with tones again. I love workin with a best friend. He's not even like a friend he's basically like a brother. It really helps out workin with someone who doesn't stress you out.

Last night me and alysa went to platt college...wanna go to school for web design...its also a great time to go to school after info I got last night. Alysa is so smart. Sometimes makes me feel retarded. But I make up for it I guess. She handled a lot of the talking for me. I don't get a damn thing the counselor is talking about...I think its rather pathetic. Anyway.

Then we shot over to easy life furniture...and almost got crazy haha. Well alysa almost did. We purchased a couch from them a month ago and it was to be delivered this past sunday between 3 pm to 7 pm...it got delivered after 8. Then we find out the merchandise is damaged...then we call about a new one and they try saying we can't get a refund.....um no. Its all handled now though.

Peace

tuesday continued

Approximatly at 1:38 pm today jacob woodley imed me saying I'm lame for having a blog.

I want to die now. I am so depressed. I hate my life.































Siiiiiiiiikeeeeee

tuesday...first blog day

Yaaaaaa its btown. What's up. Better recognize. Jk.

Well to start my first blog off ill just start with how amazing life is right now. I have god, my beautiful wife, and my soon to be daughter bayley. Its crazy I'm gonna be a dad. But its such an amazing feeling...esp if you love kids. Babys are so cute heehee. Hahaha I sound like a girl. Anywho.

Ohhh yaaaa and we just moved into our new apartment. Sucks with no cable...but soon! I'm working now.so ill write soon. Peace