changing of times

Well...this is my first post in a while. Gonna share a little about the past few months and 3 years of my life.

I have always been really angry. And I don't know why. I want to think it has to do with being picked on most of my life..but that's only partial to what the problem really is. It goes deeper than that. I think it goes back as far as me being a child and how I was raised. Don't get me wrong...my mother raised me well because on the other hand, despite flaws I may have, I'm pretty amazing. I have a big heart. But then there's insecurity...where did my insecuritys come from? Oh....probably me being picked on. But of course I'm bigger now..I'm pretty dangerous and I'm feared.....you cut me off or get on my rear on the freeway I call you out to pull over and fight....you...I have the mentality to fight any one for any reason I'm disrespected...bottom line like I said...I'm bigger now...and I should use that because I was picked on all my life......that's all reason for me to get back at every one...right? No...and that's where I've been wrong my whole life or period of time I've developed the power to scare people and gain respect out of it..the result?

Me slowly losing my family and not even realizing it.

I'm not going to go into detail because its not really any of your business to know full detail. But the past three years I've been married to the most beautiful girl on the planet. Alysa marie. This girl has done nothing but sacrifice her happiness to be with me an deal with the crap that I have put on her that I've dealt with my whole life. I've taken it out on her. There's been literally over hundreds of promises made to change, to seek help...etc etc etc. I failed at that. I broke every single one of em. And I'm not proud of that now. She has dealt with my depression and anger and honestly I don't think any other girl would have stuck around for it. I'd say I'm one lucky SOB. Even realizing that during those 3 years it still didn't drive me to change. I've been lazy. Well currently I have put that fear in my own family. That fear I used to put in other people and gain respect....well I sure got that fear into my fam. But not the respect.

I've finally realized what I've really needed my whole life. Jesus. Its so cliche to hear a testimony about "finding jesus". But its true. I thought my whole life I knew jesus...but I really didn't. I called my self a christian my whole life..nope. Wasn't. I have not been a true christian until I learn how to love like jesus did. I am now in the word more than ever, talking to him more than ever and seeking him out more than ever. It sucks it finally took something devestating to me to happen to realize it but that's just the way it had to finally snap into my head. I'm thankful for that. So hopefully ill get my fam back in time...hopefully.

So in conclusion I felt sharing this to any one who knows but...but doesn't really know me. If you know what I mean. I'm not the big tough "btown" you think I am. I could careless about how tough I look any more or how bad ass I am because no one will step to me. That's rediculous. I'm done with that crap. I'm very insecure and down on myself. And all I need is a little love. So if you have read this just do me a favor. Love your family with all of your heart. And most important. Love jesus with all your heart...because I am living proof that without jesus the worst things can happen but the best of all is changing through him. And among millions he is real and can change you. (Although I'm slowly changing realisticly) Jesus is medicine.

I love you alysa marie with all of my heart. And may the lord fill your heart with trust and joy to know he has you through everything. Your going to be blessed always. Jesus loves you and beautiful bayley. I miss you girls. Thank you for always loving me through my worst. Your my life. And ill never do anything to jeopardize that ever again.

Amen